How many freaking times do I have to come out in this lifetime?

Applying for jobs is a weird experience. The “in an interview” me is so radically different from the real me; I suppose in a similar fashion to how the “internet personality” me is likely different from the real me. The difference is that in real life and in my internet life, I am very quick to come out about every facet of who I am – gender, sexuality, disability, political stance, etc. – yet somehow the second I get behind an interview table, that confidence dissolves and I’m left with starchy, model citizen, heteronormative, perfectly abled…me?

It leaves me feeling kind of dirty every time. Not in a fun way, either.

There’s a stigma. I can’t put my finger on what it is, but I have a feeling that it’s the reason I can’t talk about disability during job interviews. Both sides of the argument seem legitimate. There’s the side for keeping it quiet: of course I shouldn’t talk about it, because it’s personal and not necessarily related to the job I would be doing, so my employer doesn’t care to hear about it during an interview when I should be talking about my strengths. But then there’s this other part of me that wants to scream: wait a second, shut the hell up, self! You want to hear about a time when I’ve stood up for myself? You want to hear about a time I coped with adversity? I’ve got some stories for you. You want to hear about an accomplishment? I’m proud of myself every time I take a walk and don’t fall down. I’m proud of myself every time I leave a doctor’s office where a “professional” just spent an hour telling me that I’m crazy, and I can walk away still believing in myself.

There’s so much to say about it, and yet there’s nothing to say to guarantee that it won’t adversely affect my potential employer’s idea of who I am. But that very idea is completely false when they see me as a straight dude (possibly a little queeny, but likely not queer) with no health problems who’s a go-getter and ready to give this job my all. And it’s not that I won’t give it – whatever “it” is – my all, because I will. But sometimes my all has to spend a day sitting down because my all’s knees are too swollen to be on my feet. Sometimes my all hasn’t gotten more than a few hours of sleep because my all has insomnia. Sometimes my all can’t process things quickly enough to be responsible for decisions that affect another person’s wellbeing. It’s part of the whole package, and I have learned how to work with all of those quirks and still be an awesome, dependable employee who to this day has never been fired or received corrective action from a job.

So WHY can’t I sell it like that?

Even if it didn’t require any growth, or energy, or sense of self, or anything to be the person that I am, it violates my morals as a Quaker to not be honest – with myself and with the person doing the interview. I know that my disability affects my performance sometimes. Everyone has their shit, and this happens to be mine. It’s not like it means I need constant accommodation (not that it would be less or more justifiable if I did), I just need a little compassion every once in a while. I don’t apply to jobs I can’t do. And I CAN do a lot.

Ugh. Gross, self. Maybe someday I’ll be able to walk the walk, since I spend so much time talking the talk.

Thanks for 2 years, m’lady.

In light of my emo one-liner, I do also want to publicly thank my partner, Jenn, for sticking with me for 2 years as of today. She takes care of me every day, helps me with so many aspects of my health, wellness, and disability, and is a constant support even when it means compromising aspects of her own life. She is selfless and giving, and brings so much positive light into my life just by existing near to me.

Love you a lot, ladyface.

Pain is dumb

There’s not really a lot else to say.

Hot steaming Christ.

Oh my gosh, it’s so freaking hot out. Global warming sucks.

Left Portland, moved to Philly. Still uninsured. Still trying to figure out what the next move is as far as getting treatment. I was supposed to have an appointment with Dr. Braccia next week, but I had to cancel it. The appointments were expensive enough when my insurance WAS covering bloodwork; at this point it would be nearly impossible.

The last few days,  all I can think about is treatment. Yesterday I went out and walked around Philly with J, and then went and hung out at my parents’ house. I got sunburned, but not too terribly bad. I remember being on antibiotics, how my face would burn within 5 minutes – no exaggeration – when I stepped outside. I’m thankful to not be doing that anymore. I know that if I were to go on IV antibiotics (well, hopefully *when* I go on IV) that would start again, but I am curious about what the other similarities and differences would be. My antibiotics were oral before, so while I was getting burned on the outside, I was also having my insides ripped apart. We think that the meds might have been responsible for why I developed so many random allergies so quickly. 2+ years of constant oral meds will kick your ass. Just FYI.

So now I’m applying for jobs, hoping I can find work that gives me quick insurance (and hopefully good insurance) and pays me well enough that we can look into starting treatment as soon as possible. I mean, also just having insurance so that when I do something stupid and walk into a plate glass window or step on a drill bit or…I don’t know, accidentally eat the cat, we won’t have to worry about anything. And trust me, I am prone to doing stupid things.

Oh, and if you see me out walking without my cane, please just yell at me, or smack me in the face, or throw things at me until I go get it and use it. Every single time I leave the house without it, I am limpy and feel like a douchebag within 5 minutes. Remember what I said about doing stupid things? Wasn’t kidding.

Hi to everyone.