How many freaking times do I have to come out in this lifetime?

Applying for jobs is a weird experience. The “in an interview” me is so radically different from the real me; I suppose in a similar fashion to how the “internet personality” me is likely different from the real me. The difference is that in real life and in my internet life, I am very quick to come out about every facet of who I am – gender, sexuality, disability, political stance, etc. – yet somehow the second I get behind an interview table, that confidence dissolves and I’m left with starchy, model citizen, heteronormative, perfectly abled…me?

It leaves me feeling kind of dirty every time. Not in a fun way, either.

There’s a stigma. I can’t put my finger on what it is, but I have a feeling that it’s the reason I can’t talk about disability during job interviews. Both sides of the argument seem legitimate. There’s the side for keeping it quiet: of course I shouldn’t talk about it, because it’s personal and not necessarily related to the job I would be doing, so my employer doesn’t care to hear about it during an interview when I should be talking about my strengths. But then there’s this other part of me that wants to scream: wait a second, shut the hell up, self! You want to hear about a time when I’ve stood up for myself? You want to hear about a time I coped with adversity? I’ve got some stories for you. You want to hear about an accomplishment? I’m proud of myself every time I take a walk and don’t fall down. I’m proud of myself every time I leave a doctor’s office where a “professional” just spent an hour telling me that I’m crazy, and I can walk away still believing in myself.

There’s so much to say about it, and yet there’s nothing to say to guarantee that it won’t adversely affect my potential employer’s idea of who I am. But that very idea is completely false when they see me as a straight dude (possibly a little queeny, but likely not queer) with no health problems who’s a go-getter and ready to give this job my all. And it’s not that I won’t give it – whatever “it” is – my all, because I will. But sometimes my all has to spend a day sitting down because my all’s knees are too swollen to be on my feet. Sometimes my all hasn’t gotten more than a few hours of sleep because my all has insomnia. Sometimes my all can’t process things quickly enough to be responsible for decisions that affect another person’s wellbeing. It’s part of the whole package, and I have learned how to work with all of those quirks and still be an awesome, dependable employee who to this day has never been fired or received corrective action from a job.

So WHY can’t I sell it like that?

Even if it didn’t require any growth, or energy, or sense of self, or anything to be the person that I am, it violates my morals as a Quaker to not be honest – with myself and with the person doing the interview. I know that my disability affects my performance sometimes. Everyone has their shit, and this happens to be mine. It’s not like it means I need constant accommodation (not that it would be less or more justifiable if I did), I just need a little compassion every once in a while. I don’t apply to jobs I can’t do. And I CAN do a lot.

Ugh. Gross, self. Maybe someday I’ll be able to walk the walk, since I spend so much time talking the talk.